My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
