she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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