Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
