She went from zero to smokin in five shots
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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