Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
