You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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