Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
