They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
