Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize