I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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