I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
