Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
