We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
