please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
