Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
