Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
