Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
