About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
