Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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