I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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