do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
