meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
