i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
