as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
