So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
