I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
