new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize