Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
