I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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