all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
