the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
