you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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