well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
