The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
