I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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