best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Green mimosas i think yes
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
