I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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