I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
