I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
