im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
why do cheetos always look like penises
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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