When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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