my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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