I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
