as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
