he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
