i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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