nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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