I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
