I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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