my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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