Tell her she can't have a vagina
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
