If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
