I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
