We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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