Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize