That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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