you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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