My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
