Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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