Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
