Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
