Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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