clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
