im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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