he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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