I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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