I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
